Kelly McDermott of Nessa on Creating Sangha With Her Guest Children
The following is a guest post from Nessa’s front-woman, Kelly McDermott, in which she shares a deeply personal story about creating community inside her home. Nessa’s third album is getting released on March 13, 2020. Follow Nessa on Spotify to make sure you don’t miss this release!
This past year (2019) I had the honor and privilege of having a group of young boys living in our home with me and my family. Our godson (23 yrs.) has lived with us on and off for three years. Two other boys (17 yrs.) lived with us for six months. Other boys come and go, a day or two and sometimes a week or two. All of the boys are friends of my son’s from the football team.
I am not a foster parent nor a social worker. I am not in the “system” in any way. There was need at my door step and I responded.
I could write a book about the life experiences that the boys brought to our home. One day as I was trying to navigate taking care of everyone (i.e. rules, school, transportation, chores, food, money, boundaries, and teaching) the word “sangha” came to me.
I felt uncomfortable using the word “family” because I thought there might be associations and expectations.
Sangha comes from the sanskrit word meaning assembly or community. I read everything the buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh has written so I was familiar with the concept. He talks about the sangha being a community which helps maintain awareness. The sangha strives for acceptance, harmony and love.
I was on instinct when I talked to the boys about creating a sangha. I had no idea how to manage this. At first there were giggles and eye rolls. However within days the boys totally dug the idea. My favorite moments were listening to the boys explain our sangha to guests and visitors.
We talked about every act and every word having a vibration either high or low. We talked about how mindfulness is essential to our community. In our little sangha of 6 to 8 people, we had nightly dinners. My husband is a great cook so he pulled out all the stops. Night after night well balanced meals with a long prayer, by candle light, and big jugs of water. The dinners lingered with long evening talks and the group of us doing
dishes. We laughed and teased which made our evening discussions comfortable. I wanted the boys to trust me, so I know I needed to trust them. I dug deep within myself to hold the space for what I saw as a lot of PTSD among other things.
In our sangha there was no leader, we were equal. We had many discussions about the time of the “alpha” energy shifting and how we need to see each other as one, regardless of age, gender, socio economic level or race. We worked on tolerating our differences through conversation and listening, topics on racism, success, music, spirituality and, of course, football. The boys began to see that “winning” an argument through belittling or unhealthy comments and violence weren’t necessary.
I spent a lot of time putting up little sticky notes with positive quotes all over the house. For example “what lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
The sangha started to move and flow as one organism in which we all contributed to its function. The balance started to take shape without comments or threats. If I made dinner the boys jumped up to do the dishes. If I took people to work they mowed the lawn. If I was tired they would go to the store. I helped with college applications they paid the water bill. It is interesting to note that having my son and daughter a part of
the sangha was new to them as well.
The most important rule was “do not lie”. We all honored this request, which I think was difficult at times. Within the framework of honesty we could discuss and grow. No matter truths surfaced, there was love. Respect was palatable.
At first I looked for some assistance through programs or food pantries. But they were just a distraction for what we could all accomplish ourselves in the sangha. Collectively we had the resources. We prayed together and angels appeared in the form of beautiful people donating beds, sheets, clothes, and great meals. These angels were our honorary members of the sangha.
Our souls were drawn together during this special time in all of our lives and I don’t exactly know how it happened. Perhaps the stars were lined up just right. Perhaps this is what is needed in our world today, small groups of people gathering together to take care of one another. I would not trade this experience for anything in the world. It was not always easy but with openness and humility we gained the experience of our first
sangha “beloved community”…
Outside of the home, Kelly