Parenting Panel with Mary Casiello of Three at Home
Three at Home is the Indie folk pop and rock band from New England, featuring Dann Russo on the guitar and vocals, Mary Casiello on keys and vocals, and Kari Paisley-Flango on the drums. They describe their sound as a blend of Bruce Springsteen and Sara Bareilles with an aspect of Fleetwood Mac with a hint of the blues.
They just released their new single “Shatter Me,” a stunningly beautiful song about their experiences with parenting, “specifically, the experience of parenting as an abuse survivor and trying to break the cycle,” says Mary Casiello. It’s slow, delicate and absolutely breathtaking. Mary and Dann sing “But the fractures they’re still there/I’m not quite broke beyond repair/but I’m unsure if I can hold those tiny hearts in mine/That kind of love might shatter me”
Mary voice carries such intensity and emotion. Upon hearing the song for the first time, you’ll be taken by her powerful and commanding vocals. The context behind the song adds another layer of complexity. To start, you can feel the pain but by the end it’s more of a sense of strength and courage.
Listen here:
We got a chance to speak with Mary Casiello in this edition of the Parenting Panel. So, without further ado, let’s dive in:
Did you have fears or concerns about how becoming a parent would interfere with your artistic endeavors?
Most definitely! Because of some health concerns, I opted to start trying for kids in my mid-20s, while all of my musical peers were more career-focused. I knew I wanted to have kids, and that the window for that was more limited for me. I also felt pressure to pursue music “while I was still young.” And while I could find plenty of dads playing open mics and gigs, moms were harder to come by, so I was hungry for models of motherhood that matched what I wanted. I worried that if I took any time off at all, people would write me off and assume I didn’t want music anymore because I was a mom, or that I would become so overwhelmed with parenting that I wouldn’t have space to also keep music in my life, or that I would become bitter towards my own children.
Have those fears come true, or no?
By and large, not really! I’ve certainly encountered some interesting assumptions from people — whether from the side of “moms can’t be gigging musicians” or “gigging musicians can’t be moms” — but as it’s turned out, I don’t want to work with people like that anyway. People kept asking me to join bills even after I had kids; the folks I cared about didn’t assume I didn’t want the work. And because my time is much less my own, I make better use of it when I have it, which has been a huge win for my productivity and focus. If anything, having kids made me better at my job! I found the models of motherhood I had been looking for, and I’m creating my own where I can’t find them. Parenting in the early years was absolutely overwhelming (my kids are 10 and 7 now), but that overwhelm forced me to slowly find ways to prioritize my well-being in a way I hadn’t before I had children. If I didn’t take care of myself, it would be terrible for them. The better resourced I am, the more able I am to be a good mom — and that includes music. And as to becoming bitter, far from it. My kids are amazing and I’m so lucky to have them.
What has parenthood taught you about yourself, your music, or your creative process?
Parenthood has made me a louder feminist. It’s taught me that I have deeper wells to draw from than I ever could have imagined. It’s been simultaneously empowering and humbling. I’ve learned how to be more flexible and how to think on the fly — when you’re changing diapers in a green room or forget a change of clothes for the baby, you get creative. Most people aren’t terrible and are willing to help you if you ask for something specific and they’re at all able, but they can’t know what you need unless you name it. That was an important one for me to work on (and still is).
I’ve also learned to be less afraid if it’s been a minute since I’ve written anything new or booked anything. I am better able to trust that it’s just a season, and that I have agency over making time if I want it but that I don’t have to in order to keep my career healthy and thriving. I don’t even have to keep music as a career to “count” as a musician. It’s a funny paradox, but taking that pressure off of myself makes it easier to keep doing music.
How do you juggle your family and your career? Who’s your support system?
My husband, my in-laws, my sister, and a wide network of friends have all been crucial in tackling the weird hours or circumstances I need a sitter, not to mention friends and family who are just willing to listen or empathize, folks who encourage me to invest in all the pieces of myself and my identity.
What’s one thing you wish someone had told you before you became a parent? Any advice for others?
Find parenting models that make sense to you. One of the best things I did was to make fast friends with any moms or primary caretakers who were also in creative fields. I would be very straightforward and name that I was trying to find folks like me, even though it felt kind of awkward to be that honest sometimes. Usually they were in the same boat!
If it feels harder, it probably actually is harder. Do you feel like you need more help than others? Are you sadder or more overwhelmed? Does your kid seem to be struggling in some area more than their peers? Then it’s probably true. It’s rarely the case that a person is just exaggerating a thing for attention, and even if they were, that’s an issue that needs support too! Plus, beyond the day to day, there are systemic issues at play for so many of us that will impact parenting struggles — mental health, neurodivergence, racism, ableism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, religious intolerance. Listen to that voice that’s trying to tell you something, and don’t stop till you or your kid get the help they need and deserve.
Do your children inspire / inform your music?
For a long time, I found it incredibly difficult to write in an authentic way about my experiences as a mother. How do you do justice to something so beautiful and terrible and wonderful and overwhelming and all-encompassing? Additionally, as an abuse survivor, there were a lot of moments where I was triggered, especially in the early years. It’s been crucial to me to not pass on that pain, which left me terrified of doing everything wrong and harming my children without even realizing it. That extended into my songwriting for sure.
I realized the importance of digging in and healing those wounds, that setting them to the side wouldn’t make my kids’ childhoods better. I spent a lot of time in therapy. (Everyone needs and deserves a good therapist, no matter what your background.) A few years back, I was finally able to write a song that felt real and honest and good and healing, called “Shatter Me.” It’s one of my proudest creative accomplishments, and I hope a gift to my kids as well.
Have you ever written a song for or about your kids? If so please share a description and a link.
“Shatter Me” is my song for my kids, a promise to them to heal my wounds and show up for them. It talks about the experience of dropping your walls and daring to love deeply even when you’re afraid it might break you and your children. It was terrifying to write, terrifying to perform, and terrifying to record, but my bandmate Dann Russo and I recorded it at The Record Company in Boston, MA, in the summer of 2021 and just released it on August 18th. Our good friend Nico Rivers (Nico Rivers and the Black Grass, Gold Hoax) engineered, mixed, and mastered it for us. It’s more stripped down than a lot of the music we put out, but I’m glad the lyrics have space to breathe on this track. I drew a lot of inspiration from artists like Brandi Carlile, Joni Mitchell, and Sara Bareilles. Songs like Brandi’s “The Mother,” Joni’s “Little Green”, and Sara’s “Gravity” all came to mind when we were working on this tune.
Connect with Mary Casiello and Three at Home:
Website // Instagram // Facebook // Twitter // Spotify // Soundcloud